Fear not!

Think of three things that daunted you in 2012: how are you going to work towards overcoming them in 2013?

When I began 2012, I think the biggest fear I had was death. Probably that is in the background of every person's march through the year, sometimes with good reason, and sometimes simply because of some crazy paranoia.

In my case, it was a little of both. My wife was seriously ill, and was placed on Hospice early in the year. I had nothing wrong with me, except the normal aches and pains of every day living. I was the caregiver. She  could not dial a phone in an emergency; she probably would not have realized that there was a problem. I think you can understand why I was daunted by this situation. And the question in my mind as I walked out to the driveway to put out the garbage on a Tuesday evening was simply: What if I keel over while I am doing this? When would I be found? How many hours, or days? And more importantly, how would it work out for my wife? This was seriously daunting!

I managed to make it through the year, probably better than many expected. Fortunately, I had begun a walking regimen during the winter months in early 2012. This continued through the spring, and summer. In the summer, I joined a health club and went there on a regular basis when I had coverage at home. The walking, the exercise, the repartee at the club all added up to a rather healthy lifestyle. I was fit; I had good conversations; I lightened my load.

Being on Hospice did not portend longevity for my wife; rather the opposite. I was able to see her through to the end, despite the doubts and concerns of many. Indeed, despite my own doubts.

So, I enter 2013 with a much clearer slate than last year. Death will not be one of the prevailing fears; I can face the challenge (with my sad happiness) of living with possibilities, not fears; opportunities, not circumstances.

I can walk out to the driveway on Tuesday with abandon. I can shovel a neighbor's driveway and walkway. I can walk out into the fields in my new snow shoes on a stormy day. There are endless moments of healthy living without fear. And my departed loving wife will be guiding me as she has always done. (She will worry for me and fear for me. Thank you!)

Having fun, a great habit

What is the single most important habit you intend to cultivate in 2013?

The sun broke through a little after eleven this morning, and it felt mild for this time of year. As I looked over some gifts that Santa has already left under the tree, I noticed that he needed some help, immediately. So, to assure plenitude on Christmas Day, I wanted to finish up the Christmas shopping. I decided that the downtown of one of the nearby villages would suffice. I was looking to be outdoors in the warm sun.

For some reason, it became a magical couple of hours of fun. I was in no hurry. There were a good number of shoppers on the street and in the stores. But no long lines.

In one store, I picked up three items  (still a secret), and the young women at the register asked if I wanted a ribbon on the tiny box. I nodded yes, and the ribbon was carefully wrapped around and a bow was tied. It looked great. She then asked if I wanted boxes for the other two items which were the same except for pattern. I figured why not. The items were wrapped in tissue, lightly placed in the boxes, and I was again given the choice of ribbon or not.  "Of course!", I said. "Now," she said, "which color ribbon on which box?" I appeared uncertain as to what difference it would make, and she said "In case you wanted to give a special pattern to one or the other person." And so, the boxes were opened, and I told her which one to put the green and whites ribbons on. She went around the first box with green curling ribbon, and then carefully cut a few more snippets of green and some of white, tied them on and curled them with the scissors. (Surely I probably would have done this if I was home.) And then she brought out a roll of bright purple ribbon, and went around the box, again took snippets of the green and white, tied them and curled them.

As I watched, I suddenly felt transported back in time to when I was about five years old. My two favorite aunts, Fran and Cap, made a big deal about wrapping presents. They did it with great care and love, for family and boy friends, and me. Every gift had a personal touch. It was magic, beautiful and wonderful. They were about the same age as the woman wrapping the gifts. I could see myself peering over the top of the table many years ago filled with curiosity, wonder, and anticipation. And the fun of it all!

I gave her a wistful thank you, and moved out to the street, and continued my last minute shopping, glad for the leisure of the downtown, the cheer of other shoppers who were having a good time, like in the olden days.

And the habit that I hope to take with me into every future year, to quote my wife, "Have fun!"

No letting go

Name three excuses -- stories you tell yourself that are holding you back -- that you are going to let go of in 2013.

The great thing about life is that you grow every year because of the experiences you have had, the life you have led. It all becomes part of us in some way or other. Some parts loom huge, and guide us forward. Other parts, not so big, and affect us maybe like a mosquito bite that annoyed us, we scratched it, and it went away. So, I am challenged to do two things for next year.

One, ignore the mosquito bites of this year. They are gone and should fade in memory, no longer affecting me in any way. For me, this is just about every sports story, every TV show, every meal that did not have an interactive element with another person, every bad night's sleep, and countless other little things that really have no bearing on today. I really can't blame these things for the way I have been or will be. (Some one else may be able to do so.)

And two, look at the parts of my life that loomed so huge that they are still affecting me, and decide how much they will affect my life in the coming year.

And to be honest with myself, and everybody (the everybody would know that I am lying if I didn't say this) there is only one: the death of my love, my partner, my spouse.

This is huge. You don't just shrug your shoulders and say "Oh well!" You remember her, the time leading up to her passing, her greatness, her smile, thousands of things, forever. Even things you forgot, you start to remember. And this you carry forward, not just in memory, but in your very being.

So, I move forward into 2013, with my story of a lifetime, and no excuses. Last year was a year to remember and cherish. It affected me deeply, and I am sure many others. (I know others have experienced similar loss.) The EVENT of 2012 will be my excuse for doing more, and loving more. It will be used to strengthen me in the face of difficulty; it will provide a well of joyful remembrances and inspiration for years and years to come.

The teachable moment

What was lost in 2012? What do you intend to find in 2013?

I will answer the question with a little story from my life that happened several year ago.

“You missed a teachable moment!”, Phyllis exclaimed as she stood nose to nose with a little league coach in the Pizza Hut somewhere in Delaware along the way back from Williamsburgh. I smelled trouble as soon as we got out of the car, even before I parked. There were a couple of young people running around the lot, playing dodge ball, and bouncing the ball off the building, and that hint made me choose the parking place at the farthest end of the lot.

We assumed that what was in the parking lot, stayed in the parking lot. Unfortunately, what was in the parking lot was an overflow of activity from inside the Hut, where a little league team was celebrating a final game victory for the season. The kids were euphoric because they had won, because they had pizza and soda, and probably more importantly, because there was no responsible adult watching them and exercising control.

We figured the situation was temporary, so we took our table, and ordered a pizza. We were very tired and hungry, and the comfort of that warm round pie oozing with greasy cheese was so good. The bedlam around us was very annoying. The waiters dodged the boys who were running all over the place. No one would say a word. I talked to the manager, and he said simply “What can you do?”

Phyllis knew what to do. Despite her bout with aphasia over the recent years she stood up in the middle of the chaos and shouted “Stop everything!”. The assertive power in her voice caused an immediate calm, and then she demanded to know who was in charge of these kids. There was a man seated with a few kids and another adult gathered around him, sheepishly looking away to avoid the blinding glare from Phyllis’ gaze. And she went over to him, and inquired why he let these boys roam out of control. He  could not look her in the eye, and mumbled something about the way kids are today. And in her way, she looked into his face, and told him he was in charge, and had to measure up. “They look to you for leadership! This was a teachable moment, and you missed it.”

Phyllis did not let the teachable moment pass. I am sure that red faced coach remembered this moment for a long time...and there was a round of applause as we went on our way. We had eaten, and Phyllis was coming back.

We will resolve in 2013 not to miss the teachable moment.

Just keep walking

How did you nourish your beautiful body in 2012?
What self-care practices will you take with you into 2013?

It is easy to fall apart. I just look in the mirror, and there is an instance of it. My hair is gray. It was only within the past few years that this has happened. I blame it on stress, or on old age, or probably both.

Then I stepped back from the mirror, put on my walking shoes, and walked three miles. I didn't bother looking in the mirror the next day, but I walked three miles again. On another day, I walked five miles, and still another, seven miles.

It is important to be comfortable as you walk. Good shoes are a must. Trim your toenails so they don't jam into the toe of the shoe. Adjust the laces so they are not too tight. Wear waterproof shoes if you are trodding through mud and water. Go at a sustainable pace to get you where you want to go. Make sure you have time to do the walk. Better yet, take the time to do the walk.

I think I will not look in the mirror, and just keep walking. My body likes it. My mind likes it. Gray hair? Ha!

Making a difference

Think of one person whose life you made a difference to in 2012.
What did you gain from this?How will you continue to make a difference in 2013?

What really makes a difference in a person's life? It is easy to point out instances, especially when it comes to dealing with life and death problems that affect you, that you made a difference in some one's life. But other actions done throughout the year made a difference in my life and in an other's. I am thinking of one of my best friends who cheerfully joined me on a near weekly walk for the last ten months of the year. He came out to give me strength, because I actually asked for his support. He obliged. Al became my confidant, my "chaplain", my walking companion.

It was during the first walk that I realized that help is a two way street. He was trying to build up his stamina so he could actually feel confident that he could walk a long distance. He was uncertain of his abilities after dealing with some health issues of his own. He wanted to test his endurance, but do it safely. We walked a little more than half mile, and decided that was enough for the day and returned. The next week, we walked a little further along the road. Eventually, we were going up to three miles on every walk, and now do about four miles almost every week. I think Al is very confident about his endurance now, but he still makes sure someone has a cell phone available, just in case.

What has happened in this relationship was mutually beneficial. I got the support I needed; he answered the challenge of endurance which my walk provided to him. It made a difference for both of us.

I see this kind of mutual support as continuing into the next year. We will try to go further or higher as we do our weekly walk. We will both be challenged and grow in health of mind and body. His confidence will grow even more, and I will reap the benefit of his wise counsel as we go.

Shaping the Path Forward

My question is: what was the most important thing you learned in 2012?
How does this learning shape the path going forward?

I offer this classic poem in response  to the first question.

No Man Is An Island by John Donne

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee. 

And it shapes me in this way. I will always be a grateful person for the people who have come into my life, new this year. This includes a host of health car professionals who became part of the family over 8 months. I will always be grateful for the friends who stood with me through the years. I thought I was on a lonely journey alone ,but they were  there. I will be thankful forever to my relatives, especially my son and daughter, and sister-in-law for their support and courage in difficult times. And of course thankful to my grandson for being born at a perfect time.

It is over flowing generosity, care, and love that has taught me this year, and these are the virtues that shape the path forward. 

Intense emotions

My most intense emotions?

Certainly I was not the only one who ran the gamut of emotions this year. From birth to death and beyond, my normally calm sea of emotions swirled about, churning ceaselessly from January until now. With emotions, it is important to find a place to go, to experience relief in an accomplished goal, to even bow down to the inevitable as earthly life ceases as we know it for a loved one. 

The joy at a the birth of a grandchild was loaded with the emotion of expectancy for nine months. There was anticipation and uncertainty. And all of that that gave way to almost a super happiness at birth, because the wait was over, anxiety dispelled, and the beautiful baby boy was held and caressed by his mother and father, and they let me do the same. It brought me memories of the first holding of my two children over thirty years ago. It evoked anew the elation at caring, loving and raising them from birth to now. It never stops. 

And even in death, there is fulfillment or accomplishment. The grandmother of that child lived long enough to experience the joy of holding, and the fun of hearing the baby's cry. Unfulfilled for her will be the joy of grand-mothering. But the ultimate for her was knowledge that she herself had lived a good life, brimming with love and joy. The smile engaged everyone. It is in knowing the life she led that we are able to feel okay about her passing, and a certain joy amid our sorrow that her influence endures in her posterity.

From birth to death, within a month! A roller coaster of life, joy and sorrow, preparing us for the road ahead!  

Dancing and Weeping

What made you dance in 2012? What made you weep?

On that evening in mid-September, I leaped from my chair, grabbed hold of my bride, and we polkaed through the night. Our first grandchild was born, 6 pounds, 4 ounces, a boy, and he and mother are doing well. The next generation was assured.

It was a long time coming, but normal in the family when you consider that grandma was the youngest child of the youngest child on her mother's side, and maybe that went another generation back too.Grandchildren come in their own time. They give great joy from before the time of birth, actually, and I have a feeling that this boy will do no wrong ever. It's a long time from birth to adulthood. A lot of things happen. Learning to walk and talk and eat. To tie shoes, read and write. To play and work. To love.

So there will be a lot of dancing as the years go on; many more occasions to dance.

And what made me weep? Grandma passed away after knowing her grandson for such a short time.

Music to My Ears

Usually, when I think of the notion of music to my ears,  I am expected to create something out of some words or greeting that really hit me during the years. So I guess there was some of that traditional music to my ears this year amid a blaring cacophony otherwise.

For starters, from my daughter: "I'm going to have a baby, and you are going to be a grandfather!" and about eight months later "You have a grandchild!"

From my grandchild: "waawaa waa " (softly) and a few months later "WAAA WAAA WAAA..." (stronger and more serious).

From my wife: "I love YOU!" and "I am glad that I had this time with you!"

From my son: "I am here for you!" and reassuring me "You can do whatever you want."

From many: "We care about you!" and "A lot of people care about you!"

From a friend at the gym: "Want me to wash your back?"

From my walking partner: "What time is good for you next week?"

So these are the exciting and kind words from the wonderful people who were in my life this year.

But the real music was yesterday at the Holiday Sing. I was into it as the leader, more than ever, and the 40 or so people sang out, in tune, often blending in creative harmony. It was special music because it was dedicated to the one I love. Perfect harmony, and true music to my ears.

My greatest risk-2012

When someone seriously says "You're crazy!" and you somewhat agree, then you know you have taken a risk that might have turned out disastrous. At the end, I knew I had accomplished something, and felt good about my conquest.

For many years the abandoned ranger tower has beckoned to me. Hidden deep in the forest on a hill 1600 feet high, actually about 500 feet in elevation higher from my house where I started, it was there, and I took the time to hike to the top of the hill anyway. It wasn't like I planned it. I told my wife and sister-in-law only that I was going for a walk. They had no idea which direction I was walking, how far, or how high. They may have assumed that I would be hiking the main roads. A mile and a half in one direction, and back, three miles, one hour.

That was my intent until I decided to take a short additional jaunt down a dirt road. I wanted to see where the road was that led to the tower. so that added about a half mile onto the journey which was already more than two miles. I got to the road, and curiosity was getting to me. I wondered how far along the ranger tower road, the tower actually was. So I meandered down that road, up hill ever slow slightly, no cars, no people and thank goodness, no animals. The farther I walked, the bigger the commitment. I knew it was a long way back the way I had come, and since I had come a long way, it would be a shame not to get to the tower.

So I pushed on. It was a pleasant day, but a gusty wind. And the investment in this walk grew with every step. What if something happened to me... a fall... an animal attack. No phone. No one knew.How long would it take to find me, and when would they begin looking.

Eventually, I came to a sign: Fire tower, .5 miles, and the arrow pointed up. I pushed on. I got there. It was cloudy and windy. The ultimate risk would have been to ascend the tower in the wind. I didn't do that. A nice fall day would be better for that. But that was not the only risk.

As I hiked that last half mile, I noticed a sign that said "Barrett Pond, .9 miles." That became my next goal. The pond was just off a main road on the other side of the "hill". I launched into the new heavily wooded trail which had a steep decline. It meandered a bit, but for the most part the markers were visible. There were streams to ford, branches to trip on, leaves to slip on. No one would find me here, for days.

I arrived at the pond about 20 minutes later. No falls, no wild animals other than a few ducks on the pond. And then I was on a main road. I could be found if needed; even hitch a ride.

The final part of the journey was about 2.5 miles to the point where I began. The total trip was about 7 miles. I walked into the house, made believe I was not exhausted and  I  drank a lot of water. It felt good to accomplish this walk. Worth the risk. But  I found out that the tower is high enough to have cell phone service, and the next time I went with a partner, I did take a phone, and I  had a walking stick for balance and minimum defense.Anything to reduce the risk!

Favorite Book

My favorite book this year was  Ahab's Wife by Sena Naslund. This book has been around for a while. I had reread Melville's Moby Dick as part of a study group early in the year, and my daughter suggested I read Ahab's Wife as a follow up. It is an amazing story of daring, heartache, love and endurance.

I must admit that Ahab was never a shining character in Moby Dick, and to think any young woman could fall in love with him... well there are only a few more despicable characters in history who are worse. Yet, that is exactly what the adventurous yet vulnerable Una Spenser did. But the story is more than that. It is about a woman, finding her way in life, through extremely difficult times.

I think if I had to face some of the situations that Una did, I would have folded under the pressure, and crawled into a safe haven, any where I could, and maybe died.

Una, however, portrayed resilience as she dealt with her maniacal first young love; then her wonderful Ahab, whom she knew as a leader of men and hero; and  finally finding happiness with a good man who loved her in return. She was a woman of graciousness throughout.

The story is told well, poetic in its descriptions and a delight to read, despite its 600 pages or so.

Lesson learned: it ain't over 'til it's over.

Invisible no more

Considering the idea that nothing lasts forever: what was the most important relationship that you fostered in 2012? 

How will you continue to nurture it in 2013?

Last year, I wrote "To Be or Not to Be Invisible: Try!"
( http://philsreverb.blogspot.com/2011/12/to-be-or-not-to-be-invisible-try.html)


You can follow that link and realize what I was feeling at the time. I would go out, return, and meet no one who knew me, and I felt like I was an invisible person. So I tried something different in 2012. I decided to go to Chatham as often as time permitted. I made the grocery store there the only one that I shopped at. I walked on main street, and often went into shops that were welcoming. I joined the health club in town. Haircuts at my favorite hair salon became more regular. I bought sub sandwiches at the corner store. I made it a point to talk to people who knew me.

All in all, I was building relationships not just with a single person, but with many people, and really a village. It is not as if they all know me there. I know some people. But I was there. I felt at home. I was not invisible in the village any longer.

I expanded my visibility by occasionally dropping in at neighbors' houses, by hosting a party for our anniversary, by accepting an invitation to a barbecue, by making time for a lunch with friends, by attending community functions of the fire  company and the historical society.

I can honestly say, that I have overcome my invisibility issue. Probably next year, I will be wishing for invisibility again. I hope not. 

The relationships with friends in the village and town have always meant a lot to me. I think I did a good job of fostering these relationships in 2012. I will continue to do this into 2013, and expand the circle.

Being a grandfather

What's the one thing you want to take with you into 2013?

The truly joyful moment  in 2012 was the day I held my first grandson hours after he came into the world. This tiny fragile little guy caused me to really smile for the first time in a long time.

This is a moment I will cherish forever. I looked at him, promising he will get my full attention. This, of course,  is an overstatement of grand-parental zeal, but he will certainly figure in many things that I do in life.

What does it mean to me to be a grandfather? I knew one of mine up to the time I was almost 6. He had gray hair, twinkling eyes, and wit. He seemed to have boundless patience, and most of all, he genuinely enjoyed my brother and me. He taught us how to fish ( I let him learn patience as he unraveled the biggest backlash in the history of fishing on the Hudson, all caused by me.) He taught us how to do carpentry (before there were power tools, he could cut a board straight and exact with a hand saw.) He taught us to respect animals as he cuddled his beautiful white dog Spooky and as he took him around the block for a nightly walk. Pa, as he was known to us, was a railroad man. He worked hard as an inspector for the now defunct Boston and Maine Railroad. Pop he was called by his co-workers. He taught us to love as he with his wife Jennie raised one son and six daughters. He danced at their weddings in his black suit, with his gold pocket watch and chain, and smoked a pipe photographed at one wedding with it upside down.

So, as I go forward into the next year, with the memory of my grandfather, I will enjoy and help to nurture my grandson in the finest traditions I know.

Moving forward by looking back

Compare the “you” from the beginning of 2012 to the “you” that you are now. What new skills or talents have you learned or discovered this year?


Over time, the thoughts and reflections that were our initial guide in life, fade and new expectations arise from the situation in which we find ourselves. While a new situation calls for creative thought, futuristic thinking, and more often than not "seat of the pants" action, all well and good, it is important to recall the roots of  the situation to give meaning to a current situation. This mind set, to view the contemporary through the prism  reflective of our root thought process, has been a major discovery for me this year.

I do not mean that I was out of touch with my roots, just a certain philosophical twist that provided enlightenment in a difficult situation.

It goes to the age old question of love, not what is it, but what is expected of it.

"For better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part"- extremely challenging words, and I believe them. And then questions arise, many years later. In this case, it was when and if I should place my wonderful loving spouse in a nursing home... until death... and we would have parted, physically. They told me I could be a husband again, instead of a caregiver... an interesting turn of phrase. I could visit her, and see her when she was alert. She would not want me to do what I am doing for her. Perhaps my own death would come first. (When the time comes for me to go to a nursing home, get me there.)

Everyone lives life according to how they want to be perceived by the world in general. Everyone, consciously or unconsciously, is writing his or her book of life, sort of a resume for the next job.  And in producing this book of life, it is important to get the impending final chapter correct. The previous paragraph did not fit into my book. It did not flow from my forty years or so of love. It did not seem reconcilable with the way we had lived.

And so, I reached into my distant memory of conversations with my wife,  and recalled a concept from the philosopher Khalil Gibran and his words on love:

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls."

I found comfort in these words. I realized that I could reach deep into that vault of memory, and find continuity in my actions. There was guidance for the path ahead. The final chapter could be written.

And it was. I did not have to make a decision.

 

Dream Destination

What was your dream destination in 2012 and why? 

It can be a town, city, country or region -- real or imaginary -- and doesn't matter if you actually got there or not!

To dream of anything during 2012 was difficult for me. I was not sure if it was okay... but I did. And my dream came true in mid-autumn, as I ascended the trail to Harvey Mountain. This place is only a few miles from my house, and it is a questionable mountain, more like a 2000 foot hill, with gentle rises, and steep only the last 100 feet or so. You can walk over the NY border into Massachusetts in the woods, enjoy a view that sweeps from Catamount in the south to the Albany Empire State Plaza towards the norhtwest. And there are seemingliy endless fields of bluberry bushes.

So these are the sights, but the real reason it had been a dream until that warm November day was that I could not find time to enjoy it. My wife could not make the trip, and in October, she was free, and we climbed the mountain together. She was and forever will be the warm sun, the brisk breeze, the light that guides me to accomplish whatever I put my mind to.

It is odd how dreams are fulfilled. I would rather have had it differently, but dreams are usually out of our control. Ten or so years ago, we were on the mountain. There was beauty all around. But then the wind picked up, and we were in the middle of a snow storm. We rushed down the mountain. And life had been that way for most of the past ten years. It was good to return in the calm of autumn.

Catching up quickly- Days 1-4

Day 1: How are you starting?
Only today am I beginning reverb 12, so I will begin with I love the holidays. This year will be different, and I don't want to be mopey about it, or cause sadness, but my best friend and the love of my life passed away about 2 months ago. I will start with a heavy heart, and hope to proceed with some joy toward a new year with a fresh face toward the next phase of my life.
Day 2: Your most significant spend?
Spend can be money, or almost any thing that is valuable.  I did not spend much money in 2012. I wish the times permitted me to do so. My most signicant spend was emotional, as I went the distance in caring for my wife. It was a personally risky investment, fraught with stress and heartache. I became a better person because of it.
Day 3: What do you really wish for?
Given the aforementioned, I would like to create some wholesome realtionships. I do not know exactly what his means. I may not even be sure how to relate to people anymore. I guess I have been spoiled by the one tremendous love of my life. I do not look for repetition or replication; that is impossible. Something good will happen, and some wishes will become realities.
Day 4: How will you celebrate YOU?
The greatest celebration of all for an individual is to be able to walk tall through life. I will continue to do so, as a celebrity in my own style.