Fear not!

Think of three things that daunted you in 2012: how are you going to work towards overcoming them in 2013?

When I began 2012, I think the biggest fear I had was death. Probably that is in the background of every person's march through the year, sometimes with good reason, and sometimes simply because of some crazy paranoia.

In my case, it was a little of both. My wife was seriously ill, and was placed on Hospice early in the year. I had nothing wrong with me, except the normal aches and pains of every day living. I was the caregiver. She  could not dial a phone in an emergency; she probably would not have realized that there was a problem. I think you can understand why I was daunted by this situation. And the question in my mind as I walked out to the driveway to put out the garbage on a Tuesday evening was simply: What if I keel over while I am doing this? When would I be found? How many hours, or days? And more importantly, how would it work out for my wife? This was seriously daunting!

I managed to make it through the year, probably better than many expected. Fortunately, I had begun a walking regimen during the winter months in early 2012. This continued through the spring, and summer. In the summer, I joined a health club and went there on a regular basis when I had coverage at home. The walking, the exercise, the repartee at the club all added up to a rather healthy lifestyle. I was fit; I had good conversations; I lightened my load.

Being on Hospice did not portend longevity for my wife; rather the opposite. I was able to see her through to the end, despite the doubts and concerns of many. Indeed, despite my own doubts.

So, I enter 2013 with a much clearer slate than last year. Death will not be one of the prevailing fears; I can face the challenge (with my sad happiness) of living with possibilities, not fears; opportunities, not circumstances.

I can walk out to the driveway on Tuesday with abandon. I can shovel a neighbor's driveway and walkway. I can walk out into the fields in my new snow shoes on a stormy day. There are endless moments of healthy living without fear. And my departed loving wife will be guiding me as she has always done. (She will worry for me and fear for me. Thank you!)

Having fun, a great habit

What is the single most important habit you intend to cultivate in 2013?

The sun broke through a little after eleven this morning, and it felt mild for this time of year. As I looked over some gifts that Santa has already left under the tree, I noticed that he needed some help, immediately. So, to assure plenitude on Christmas Day, I wanted to finish up the Christmas shopping. I decided that the downtown of one of the nearby villages would suffice. I was looking to be outdoors in the warm sun.

For some reason, it became a magical couple of hours of fun. I was in no hurry. There were a good number of shoppers on the street and in the stores. But no long lines.

In one store, I picked up three items  (still a secret), and the young women at the register asked if I wanted a ribbon on the tiny box. I nodded yes, and the ribbon was carefully wrapped around and a bow was tied. It looked great. She then asked if I wanted boxes for the other two items which were the same except for pattern. I figured why not. The items were wrapped in tissue, lightly placed in the boxes, and I was again given the choice of ribbon or not.  "Of course!", I said. "Now," she said, "which color ribbon on which box?" I appeared uncertain as to what difference it would make, and she said "In case you wanted to give a special pattern to one or the other person." And so, the boxes were opened, and I told her which one to put the green and whites ribbons on. She went around the first box with green curling ribbon, and then carefully cut a few more snippets of green and some of white, tied them on and curled them with the scissors. (Surely I probably would have done this if I was home.) And then she brought out a roll of bright purple ribbon, and went around the box, again took snippets of the green and white, tied them and curled them.

As I watched, I suddenly felt transported back in time to when I was about five years old. My two favorite aunts, Fran and Cap, made a big deal about wrapping presents. They did it with great care and love, for family and boy friends, and me. Every gift had a personal touch. It was magic, beautiful and wonderful. They were about the same age as the woman wrapping the gifts. I could see myself peering over the top of the table many years ago filled with curiosity, wonder, and anticipation. And the fun of it all!

I gave her a wistful thank you, and moved out to the street, and continued my last minute shopping, glad for the leisure of the downtown, the cheer of other shoppers who were having a good time, like in the olden days.

And the habit that I hope to take with me into every future year, to quote my wife, "Have fun!"

No letting go

Name three excuses -- stories you tell yourself that are holding you back -- that you are going to let go of in 2013.

The great thing about life is that you grow every year because of the experiences you have had, the life you have led. It all becomes part of us in some way or other. Some parts loom huge, and guide us forward. Other parts, not so big, and affect us maybe like a mosquito bite that annoyed us, we scratched it, and it went away. So, I am challenged to do two things for next year.

One, ignore the mosquito bites of this year. They are gone and should fade in memory, no longer affecting me in any way. For me, this is just about every sports story, every TV show, every meal that did not have an interactive element with another person, every bad night's sleep, and countless other little things that really have no bearing on today. I really can't blame these things for the way I have been or will be. (Some one else may be able to do so.)

And two, look at the parts of my life that loomed so huge that they are still affecting me, and decide how much they will affect my life in the coming year.

And to be honest with myself, and everybody (the everybody would know that I am lying if I didn't say this) there is only one: the death of my love, my partner, my spouse.

This is huge. You don't just shrug your shoulders and say "Oh well!" You remember her, the time leading up to her passing, her greatness, her smile, thousands of things, forever. Even things you forgot, you start to remember. And this you carry forward, not just in memory, but in your very being.

So, I move forward into 2013, with my story of a lifetime, and no excuses. Last year was a year to remember and cherish. It affected me deeply, and I am sure many others. (I know others have experienced similar loss.) The EVENT of 2012 will be my excuse for doing more, and loving more. It will be used to strengthen me in the face of difficulty; it will provide a well of joyful remembrances and inspiration for years and years to come.

The teachable moment

What was lost in 2012? What do you intend to find in 2013?

I will answer the question with a little story from my life that happened several year ago.

“You missed a teachable moment!”, Phyllis exclaimed as she stood nose to nose with a little league coach in the Pizza Hut somewhere in Delaware along the way back from Williamsburgh. I smelled trouble as soon as we got out of the car, even before I parked. There were a couple of young people running around the lot, playing dodge ball, and bouncing the ball off the building, and that hint made me choose the parking place at the farthest end of the lot.

We assumed that what was in the parking lot, stayed in the parking lot. Unfortunately, what was in the parking lot was an overflow of activity from inside the Hut, where a little league team was celebrating a final game victory for the season. The kids were euphoric because they had won, because they had pizza and soda, and probably more importantly, because there was no responsible adult watching them and exercising control.

We figured the situation was temporary, so we took our table, and ordered a pizza. We were very tired and hungry, and the comfort of that warm round pie oozing with greasy cheese was so good. The bedlam around us was very annoying. The waiters dodged the boys who were running all over the place. No one would say a word. I talked to the manager, and he said simply “What can you do?”

Phyllis knew what to do. Despite her bout with aphasia over the recent years she stood up in the middle of the chaos and shouted “Stop everything!”. The assertive power in her voice caused an immediate calm, and then she demanded to know who was in charge of these kids. There was a man seated with a few kids and another adult gathered around him, sheepishly looking away to avoid the blinding glare from Phyllis’ gaze. And she went over to him, and inquired why he let these boys roam out of control. He  could not look her in the eye, and mumbled something about the way kids are today. And in her way, she looked into his face, and told him he was in charge, and had to measure up. “They look to you for leadership! This was a teachable moment, and you missed it.”

Phyllis did not let the teachable moment pass. I am sure that red faced coach remembered this moment for a long time...and there was a round of applause as we went on our way. We had eaten, and Phyllis was coming back.

We will resolve in 2013 not to miss the teachable moment.

Just keep walking

How did you nourish your beautiful body in 2012?
What self-care practices will you take with you into 2013?

It is easy to fall apart. I just look in the mirror, and there is an instance of it. My hair is gray. It was only within the past few years that this has happened. I blame it on stress, or on old age, or probably both.

Then I stepped back from the mirror, put on my walking shoes, and walked three miles. I didn't bother looking in the mirror the next day, but I walked three miles again. On another day, I walked five miles, and still another, seven miles.

It is important to be comfortable as you walk. Good shoes are a must. Trim your toenails so they don't jam into the toe of the shoe. Adjust the laces so they are not too tight. Wear waterproof shoes if you are trodding through mud and water. Go at a sustainable pace to get you where you want to go. Make sure you have time to do the walk. Better yet, take the time to do the walk.

I think I will not look in the mirror, and just keep walking. My body likes it. My mind likes it. Gray hair? Ha!

Making a difference

Think of one person whose life you made a difference to in 2012.
What did you gain from this?How will you continue to make a difference in 2013?

What really makes a difference in a person's life? It is easy to point out instances, especially when it comes to dealing with life and death problems that affect you, that you made a difference in some one's life. But other actions done throughout the year made a difference in my life and in an other's. I am thinking of one of my best friends who cheerfully joined me on a near weekly walk for the last ten months of the year. He came out to give me strength, because I actually asked for his support. He obliged. Al became my confidant, my "chaplain", my walking companion.

It was during the first walk that I realized that help is a two way street. He was trying to build up his stamina so he could actually feel confident that he could walk a long distance. He was uncertain of his abilities after dealing with some health issues of his own. He wanted to test his endurance, but do it safely. We walked a little more than half mile, and decided that was enough for the day and returned. The next week, we walked a little further along the road. Eventually, we were going up to three miles on every walk, and now do about four miles almost every week. I think Al is very confident about his endurance now, but he still makes sure someone has a cell phone available, just in case.

What has happened in this relationship was mutually beneficial. I got the support I needed; he answered the challenge of endurance which my walk provided to him. It made a difference for both of us.

I see this kind of mutual support as continuing into the next year. We will try to go further or higher as we do our weekly walk. We will both be challenged and grow in health of mind and body. His confidence will grow even more, and I will reap the benefit of his wise counsel as we go.

Shaping the Path Forward

My question is: what was the most important thing you learned in 2012?
How does this learning shape the path going forward?

I offer this classic poem in response  to the first question.

No Man Is An Island by John Donne

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee. 

And it shapes me in this way. I will always be a grateful person for the people who have come into my life, new this year. This includes a host of health car professionals who became part of the family over 8 months. I will always be grateful for the friends who stood with me through the years. I thought I was on a lonely journey alone ,but they were  there. I will be thankful forever to my relatives, especially my son and daughter, and sister-in-law for their support and courage in difficult times. And of course thankful to my grandson for being born at a perfect time.

It is over flowing generosity, care, and love that has taught me this year, and these are the virtues that shape the path forward.